census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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