We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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