this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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