Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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