the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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