When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
