that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
