My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
