More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
