i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
