The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
