So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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