Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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