you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
