So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize