We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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