Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
