So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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