She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
