White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
The Olympian is in my bed
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
