I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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