On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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