I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
this boner is exhausting
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Randomize
