I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize