i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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