i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize