He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
