I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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