I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
