Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
