he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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