I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize