if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
