You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I seem to have left my pride at pride
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
did i just pee glitter
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
