he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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