How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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