i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
