I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
