my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
