i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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