I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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