why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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