I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Randomize