Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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