i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
