My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
