Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
