This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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