Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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