I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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