Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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