yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
