My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
