I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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