he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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