she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
