I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize
