Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
