So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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